(Inspired by a much funnier article by Dr. Bruce Murphy)

 

More and more people are keeping more and more of their teeth for a lifetime. Denturists are trying to branch out into other areas of treatment to stay busy. Fluoride is everywhere.  The media is brainwashing everyone about dental health. There has never been a harder time to get rid of those pesky teeth and graduate to a simple life of dentures and soft foods.

But it is still possible!  We're not sure what your reason for wanting to lose your teeth could be - but whatever it is, you've come to the right place! Over years of dental practice, we have seen what really works,  and we're willing to share those secrets with you!

1. Don't go to the dentist. Regular, preventive dental care is one of the biggest obstacles to losing your teeth. Trying to lose your teeth while under a dentist's care is like trying to start a forest fire with some guy following you around with a bucket.

2. Don't go to the hygienist, either. They're the worst enemy of your best chance to lose your teeth: gum disease. And you think they won't notice cavities and send you to the dentist to repair them? Think again. 

3  If you must go to the dentist, wait till it hurts. Teeth don't usually ache until things are fairly bad, so pain increases the chance that there will be big problems - maybe even an extraction.

4. Sugar is your friend. It takes bacteria to make cavities, and everybody has them. But plaque without sugar is like a car without gas - you're not going to get very far. Now give those mouth bugs a steady diet of sugar, and you're well on your way to no teeth. Yes, sugar costs money, but you don't need as much as you think - the secret is to take it regularly. Small, regular doses will take you down Denture Road much faster than sporadic heavy intake. It also takes time to work, so choose sticky sugar that has some staying power, and don't rinse or brush it off before it has time to work!

5. Do Acid, Man!   No, not the drug.  We're talking  about real acid. Teeth are made mostly of calcium, just like the scale in your coffee maker. So how would you get rid of that? Acid!  You don't need anything as strong as CLR, either. The acid in soft drinks and juices will do nicely if you use it regularly. Sports drinks are the strongest, but even orange juice will do, with patience. To dissolve your teeth as efficiently as possible, keep it on your teeth - sip don't gulp, and be sure to swish each sip over your teeth.  We've seen dedicated pop drinkers melt right through tooth enamel in a matter of months.

6. If you lose a tooth, don't replace it.  This sounds obvious, but there's more to it than you might think. Besides being one step closer to no teeth, every tooth lost increases the weight on the remaining ones, and encourages the adjacent teeth to tip and drift, increasing food and plaque collection and degrading the bite. Every tooth you lose makes the next one easier.

7. Don't keep them clean. If you want to lose your teeth, bacteria are your friend.  Don't brush, and if you have to brush, try not to floss.

8. Throw away that mouthguard.  Contact sport are an excellent way to lose teeth - often several at a time. But you need to play them without mouth protection.  Keep that mouthguard in your pocket where it belongs  -and if you must wear a face shield, get the flip-up kind and keep it flipped up.

9. Grind em!  Clenching and grinding your teeth is an excellent way to wear teeth down to almost nothing - or even break them. It takes little effort and no time wasted - you can do it while you sleep!  The dentist may want to try to stop the damage with a nightguard appliance - but he can't make you wear one!

10. Let your dental plan decide your treatment. This is important for people who can't stop themselves from going to the dentist.  You might think that the insurance company would know what is best for you, and would be intent on helping you keep your teeth - but that's just not the case.  Insurance companies actually don't know how to best treat you and, even better - they don't care!   It's not their job to care.  Dental plans are designed to control costs, and will often have restrictions that can help you achieve tooth loss.  They can be particularly helpful in limiting gum disease treatment, tooth replacement, and saving heavily-restored teeth from fracture.  If your goal is to lose your teeth and you insist on going to a dental office, at least stick to the dental plan.

11. Do Drugs.   "Meth Mouth" is real of course - but the list of  prescription and OTC drugs that cause Dry Mouth is a huge one: blood pressure meds, antihistamines,, pain meds like morphine, asthma meds, sedatives, antidepresssants and many more. Anything that reduces normal saliva flow can make you drastically more prone to tooth decay, so beware and talk to your dentist of you do develop dry mouth.

 

* If you  don't  want to lose your teeth, stick to the rest of the website!)